Young At Heart
by wildchild214
Summary: artemis fowl, harry potter,Xmen, BtVS,angel and teen titans put 'em all together and turn a bunch of 'em into kids. i might note that THIS IS HUMOUR, not to be taken seriously. might include minor character bashing and some cursing/sex refrences. rating:T
1. uh oh!

Disclaimer; i own nothing

this is a;BtVS,Angel,Harry Potter,Artemis Fowl,X-Men and Teen Titans crossover fic

this story is a crossover (duh) and it envolves anoying kiddies, violence and torturing annoying adults!! you have to assume though that:

dumbledore,lily, james,tara,wesly,fred,cordy,darla,anya,root and sirius are alive

everybody already knows eachother anyway

riley,oz and connor are in the group

jinx,draco,lindsey,darla,drusilla,gambit,wanda,mystique,pietro,magneto,toad and blob are good and have been for a while

Most of the 6 teams were gathered in the Hogwarts main hall. It was the middle of the summer and Hogwarts was officially closed, but being friends with the headmaster had its perks. Most of the group were lounging around or pursuing some activity they enjoyed, although a rather unlikely group were gathered together watching Luna Lovegood (attempt) to brew a potion. It looked rather difficult and the fumes were turning her usually blond hair an interesting shade of purple, which was probably why she had a rather curious audience. This group consisted of; Artemis Fowl, Holly Short, Sirius Black, Harry Potter, Nymphadora Tonks, Faith Lehane, Spike, Anya Jenkins, Raven Roth, Drusilla, Remy LeBeu, The Wolverine, Rogue and Wanda Maximoff.

Professor Dumbledore, who was having a conversation with Hermione Granger about house-elf welfare, kept shooting the bubbling cauldron apprehensive looks, but seemed content it wouldn't explode.

All seemed to be going well for about ten minutes until….

"Luna, its making popping sounds, is it _meant_ to be making popping sounds?, Luna!!"

The rest of the group turned round in time to see a spectacular explosion as violent pink smoke engulfed their friends.

Dumbledore was up, out of his seat and half way across the room before anyone had a chance to say "oh gosh!"

The others followed less than a second later.

Dumbledore pulled out his wand and began siphoning away the smoke that was lingering.

The sight that met their eyes was probably not the one they had expected, what they did see was fifteen small children dressed in oversized clothes that swamped them, two of who had managed to get into a fight already. A girl was kicking at them seemingly not worried about who she hit.

"stupid stupid! Aha don't like ya anyway so stop it stupid! Ya not meant ta fight, mah mama said, an yer not playin fair!"

Rogue, for due to the stripy hair it was obviously her, screamed all this at the top of her voice.

and while that went on...

There was a small, pale, dark haired girl giggling to herself and talking about dolls and blood.

A skinny serious boy drawing complicated equations in the dust on the floor while a tiny aurbun haired elf poked him and laughed

A small blond girl and a taller girl with shocking pink hair grinning at each other

A cute black haired kid and peaky purple eyed little girl watching each other mistrustfully

two black haired boys chattering away to each other and

a little girl reciting random words.

every body stared. the realisation that these were there friends, family, deadly enemies...turned into five year olds!!

"can I sum all this up with an 'oh god no'?"

"yes Xander I think that sums it up"

The talking had drawn the kids attention to them, a small girl of about four with dark curls and chocolate eyes came over, she was followed by a boy with light brown hair and blue eyes, the girl just stood looking at them with a serious look on her face. The boy spoke;

"I'm William you can call me Will 'cos everyone does my mummy calls me Willie but I don't like that. what's your name?"

Xander rubbed his hands together

"on second thoughts, this could be fun"

(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)

"they kept their powers! that soo wasnt,like,meant to happen.baby Wanda is totaly creeping me out she,like, keeps staring at me!"

"you dont have to vorry now Kitty, Wanda is busy killing Pietro its qvite a site i havnt stopped laughing for 20 minutes!"

"AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH! Remy you little brat you blew up my lipgloss!!!!! you are dddeeeeaaaadddd!!!"

"Anya come here, and you... wait Anya AND Anya? Tonks!!"

"no, NO LUNA DONT TOUCH THAT WAND!!"

"Rogue you are not to knock out Jean and then beat up Logan!"

"Harry no climing the wall, Sirius stop incouraging him!"

"Faith?,William? NO thats not funny! give me the sticky tape and scissors and let Angel down from the wall!!"

"Logan it is not funny to punch Remy, no Logan dont kick him! i saw that! come here! nooo dont run away!!"

"Drusilla dont bite Xander!"

"Raven? Raven? Raven! dont you dare drop that chair on Scotts head!!!"

BOOOOM

"who let Artemis near the explosives?!??!!"

"Holly get OFF the cupboard!"

"this is no fun"

"yes Xander i noticed!!"

(end)(end)(end)

!like? reveiw! and watch for next chapter!!


	2. roses are red

Disclaimer; I own nothing, I promise!('cept characters I made up)

Oh, extra notes:

Buffy and Angel are married; they have a little girl called Kansas-Joyce

Other characters;

Kansas-Joyce 4-see above

Dakota Howlett 19-Logans daughter

Carla Potter 17-Harrys twin sister

Maddie Xavier 21- the professor's daughter

Marcie Ross 6 and Abbie Claymoore 5- Willow, Tara and Kennedy's adopted daughters.

not all of them enter until later in this series

"WHAT!!"

Winifred, Lily, Xander and Magneto came back from the room where they had finally managed to settle the kids to sleep, to find an extremely irate Dakota, who had just arrived back

"calm down Daxie"

The red haired youth rounded on the deceptively calm looking Charles

"my father has somehow been turned into a six year old and you tell me to calm DOWN!! screw you!"

"actually Dax i think he's about five"

Dakota turned to Xander and with a sweet smile stuck her middle finger up at him

"bite me goof ball!"

"Daxie….!"

Fred was sitting talking to Lily about the kids lack of cloths while Dax argued with anyone who would listen about the fact that her father was now _younger _than her.

"you know, i think we're gonna have to get them some clothes"

Lily said this as Dakota gave up and slumped on the sofa fuming

"i know! naked Spike, even as a little kid, is pretty disturbing..."

"and child geniuses plus explosives is, like, sooo wrong!!"

Kitty was nursing a burnt hand, which was a direct result of trying to wangle a particularly hyperactive Artemis into bed. He and Holly had paired up in some power hungry bid to subject anyone bigger than them to cruel and unusual torture, usually involving explosives which he had taken an unhealthy interest in.

but not even Arty and Holly could outdo Faith and William. the small vampire slayer and vampire left no one out of their reign of terror, but Riley was their favourite target, with Angel as runner-up.

So it probably wasn't the best idea to leave him in charge of them on his own….

(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)

the next day happened to be valentines day and everyone was looking through books for a cure to their kiddie problem

"has anybody else noticed that when they go quiet like that, its never good?"

the people at the table looked up and listened as Giles spoke, but then somewhere from inside the next room a scream echoed

"trouble over! kiddies being entertained"

Buffy looked a little doubtfully at the door

"hey, you guys think Kansas, Marcie and Abbie are ok in there?"

But even as she spoke the 3 little girls walked in along with baby Anya who grinned and giggled

Fred smiled at the little blond pigtailed girl

"hi Anni baby"

Anya smiled again sweetly

" r'member when you taught me the rhyme earlier an I told Dru an we were sayin it an well jus now i made a new one so i came to tell you, wanna hear?"

Everyone grinned indulgently, how could they not? She looked adorable!

"go on then hunny"

Anya took a deep breath and recited...

"Roses are red,

Riley's turned blue,

cus Faiths round his neck

an Will's bitin him too!"

she then grinned to see the room empty faster than if you'd let off a stink bomb, and as the last person hurriedly exited the room to save Riley, an air vent near the floor flapped open and the rest of the kids, bar Faith and William of course, crawled through in hysterical giggling fits.

they headed straight for the weapons.

all of the night before had been spent on this plan. Arty, Faith and Will who were the widely accepted leaders, had devised the plan to get the weapons.

The naughty children had learned quickly how to play the adults and this plan was guaranteed to work, the fact that it was dopey Riley left in charge of them was just a bonus for Faith and Will

Arty cocked his head towards the room they had just left, shouting and screaming was coming from there now. the little boy grinned in a way much to evil for a 4 year old.

Perfect diversion.

The kids giggled again as a yell that was so obviously Angel rang out, oh yeah William was having fun alright. For a second Dru wondered what Angels leg tasted like, and decided to ask Will later, then her mind was back on task, weapons; check!

With the diversion in place Arty sent Holly up to the top of the cabinet with one of Remy's loaded cards. She slipped it in the gap and jumped down to where the others were; far, _far_ away from the explosion. As the door blew they laughed in delight.

Unfortunately for them they didn't count on Buffy playing dirty to stop their diversion mischief and as the explosion had masked the lack of sound in the other room, all they knew was suddenly they were faced with a bunch of rather annoyed adults holding two very cheesed of five year olds protesting that they _did not_ want baths!

For aforementioned adults it was clear what was going on. the guilty looks said it all.

Plus the pile of weapons in their arms.

Faith, sensing their plight pointed away from them and screamed

" look! Godzilla and Scooby-Do!"

I believe it's a tribute to their gullibility that they actually looked.

A clatter of weapons hitting the floor and no more small children.

"oh Christ, that's it I'm gonna drown all of them!!"

Angel sat down still hanging on to William despite the fact he was now trying to kick him in the.. Uhh you know…

"Well some body's gotta catch the brats!!"

"oh I'm out, I can just about handle Faith"

One by one they bowed out of child catcher duties

Until only Oz, Connor and Butler were left

"uh oh, no way!!"

"doors thata way guys!" Boom-Boom told them cheerfully

So the unlucky trio gave themselves into their fates with gritted teeth.

(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)

"so drink this and your ribs will be fine again in a jiffy!"

Butler drank it with barely a murmur despite the acrid taste and lumpy texture, the pain from his broken ribs was pretty bad.

Madame Pomfrey moved on to her next patient, she wiggled her fingers in front of Oz's eyes. No response

"uhhh Remus? I think we are going to need a memory modifying spell, he's _deeply_ traumatized!"

Lupins eyebrows shot up nearly into his hair

"what did they _do _to him!?"

"not sure, but judging by his state of mind we _don't _wanna know!"

And her last patient

Connor,

he was holding a nose that was spurting blood in a very dramatic way

"ib gunna kill tha lil' kid wib blag hare!"

"Harry? or do you mean Sirius?"

"dunno, whichever!"

She laughed and fixed his nose with her wand

The three rather broken men left the med bay in a better, if not quite normal, state

She watched them leave

" never thought children could be quite that dangerous!"

(end)(end)(end)

Review!! See you again soon!!


	3. daddy!

_**Disclaimer; I own nothing, boo hooo!**_

"so you want to register them here ?"

"if that's at all possible"

The fluffy blond receptionist smiled and brought up the necessary forms on her computer

As she did this Xander looked down at the dark haired little girl next to him. Faith smiled sweetly up at him, a charming, disarming smile that would have had most adults cooing in delight, but Xander Harris knew not to trust that look, especially since the weapons incident three weeks ago. since then they had tried to get the little terrors into approximately thirty five day care centres in America _and _England. the brats had managed to blow each and every attempt, so this time they were taking them in fives figuring they had less chance to blow something up that way huh, fat chance!

But as Xander looked at the angelic little face he knew it could only mean she was planning; a)bodily harm on some poor innocent bystander (or worse, on him!!)

b) something sticky and not good or c) extreme embarrassing scene that would make him want to wear a paper bag over his head for the rest of eternity, in fact the last time he had accompanied them on one of these things her and Anya had teamed up and 'performed' a scene that was focused on whether Angel gave Buffy 'good happy squealy moments' and also thrown in was a 'bad word' contest. They could swear like pros! The fact was that at the moment it seemed likely to be c) since there was nothing pointy, sharp or sticky around for them to use. A comfort to some but Xander definitely wasn't looking forward to what was coming.

"so you sign _there_ Mr Harris"

He looked up, she smiled again but this time at Faith

The sweet faced four year old treated her to her best angelic smile

Fluffy blond woman promptly turns to mush.

"awwww aren't you just the cutest!! Daddy must be so proud to have a little angel like you!"

Xander's eyebrows shot up

"wait you mean me!? No, no she's not mine!1 I mean they're not _mine! _Did you think they were mine? no! they're my sister's friend's brother's girlfriend's friend's..!!"

You would have had to be quick as lightening to catch the wink and grin Faith gave Will, Rogue, Logan and Wanda as Xander babbled. they grinned in anticipation, _they_ knew what was coming!

Faiths eyes filled with tears

"Daddy? Daddy don't want me!?"

The blond receptionist turned accusingly to the now worried looking Xander

"no she isn't! she's not mine!"

And then, throwing herself at his feet and wrapping her arms around his legs, Faith really let rip

"DADDY DON'T WANT ME! DADDY I'LL BE GOOD! YOU WONT LEAVE ME HERE WILL YOU? WILL YOU! I WONT EVER EVEN TOUCH YOUR BEER AGAIN I PROMISE!!! DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYY DON'T LLEEEAAVVVEE ME!!!"

Xander looked round franticly at the people now giving him dirty looks and muttering about 'bad parenting' as Faith continued her show, hiccupping and sobbing theatrically on the floor, still hanging on to his legs.

"oh help!" he muttered

"uh yeah, I'll just be leaving now, thank you!!"

He scooped the still screaming and crying Faith off the floor and hurriedly shooed the rest of the kids towards the door, a couple of people tried to stop him so he dodged them.

as soon as they were clear of the swing glass doors Faith lifted her head, tear free from his shoulder, grinning cheekily, and then said in a mock grown-up voice

"cross that one off the list then, huh?"

He glared

"yeah you're real smart! You know when you go back to being big Faith me an you are gonna have a talk! How do ya feel about that huh!?"

As he strapped her into the car seat she just grinned and said simply;

"five-by-five!"

(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)(gap)

Meanwhile back at base Kitty and Tabitha were coping with the rest of the little horrors, well, they would be if they could actually_ find_ them…

"Arty? Harry! Here Tonksey, Tonksey Tonksey! I've got cookies! You like cookies right? Or chocolate!"

Tabitha was blowing bubbles with her bubble-gum next to her as they searched

"yeah, like that's gonna make them sacrifice themselves to you? They're smarter than that!"

Kitty glared at her. In fact she was so busy glaring she didn't notice the glowing card floating down right.by.her.nose. Tabby's eyes grew wide

"Uhh Kitty-Cat…"

BOOM!

Kitty screamed and stumbled back from the minor blast straight through a wall.

Only to find a very naked Draco.

"AGGGHHHH"

"EGGGHHHH"

She ran, hands in front of her, back the way she came, past Tabby and through _another _wall.

Into a room with a very naked Jean and Scott.

"AGGHHHH….Huh!?"

"GETOUTGETOUTGETOOOOOUUUUTTTT!!!!"

She shrieked again and toppled back through the wall to find a hysterical Tabby and squirming pile of giggling children

"agguuhh you are so dead!!"

And with that she took off in pursuit as they ran from her wrath.

(end)(end)(end)


	4. Angel

disclaimer; not mine, sadly

sorry its so short, the idea just sorta came to me and i had to post it as it was, bloody awful or not.

hmm, i have a few more chapters written, and even more planned but i'm not sure whether to quit it here or not. YES? NO?

Angel sat alone doing his best impression of a dark, soulful, pensive vampire. Unfortunately when your I.Q is as low as Riley Finns you don't appreciate such excellent talent for brooding, your tiny brain becomes convinced that you should interrupt and possibly discuss such manly things as how painful it is to be hung on a picture hook for 3 hours straight by the back of you underwear and how utterly embarrassing it was to have those same pants surgically removed from your arse 'cos you couldn't get them out otherwise _and _how it didn't help that the surgeon was a woman who, by the way, couldn't understand how a bunch of five year olds had got them up there or why the pair had been left there. Of course Riley Finns abnormally low I.Q also let him forget that he had already run through these various indignities while Angel dangled from the hook next to his. Apparently Xander had thought his time would be better spent fruitlessly chasing savage five year olds around the (rather large) Wolfram & Hart building, not noticing or not caring that every time he passed them and they yelled at him, their voices had gone up an octave. Xander had some rather impressive bruises that still hadn't faded.

After interrupting a rather peeved Angel in mid-brood, so did Riley.

Watching the irritating commando stagger away from the irritated vampire, Cordelia approached with caution.

"so, contemplating anything interesting?"

He barely looked up as she sat down next to him.

"suicide" he deadpanned.

"oh, well I was sorta going down the mass homicide route myself"

He raised an eyebrow at her, she shrugged.

"you know you can come near them again, James eventually got Sirius in a head lock and wrestled the wand off him before he did too much damage"

For the first time Angel turned towards the queen of mean, disbelief in his eyes.

"well" she reconsidered "apart from yours and Riley's sore, uh, rear ends, the fact that they're still trying to find out how to deflate Buffy, and Jean being a wall feature, but all in all not as bad as it could have been"

"_wall _feature_?_" Angels expression was quizzical. Cordy snickered, obviously Angel hadn't been inside all day, how he could stay in this shed despite the vile weather was beyond her.

"well _apparently _with one of those stick-y wand-y thingy ma bobs you can use this _charm_ called a 'permanent sticking charm' which, I gather, sticks things to things permanently" she shrugged again "strange people, these wizards"

Angel heard the first part but had gotten distracted by the second part.

"Cordy" he asked slowly "why is your hair green?"

Cordy turned to face him and he thought she was gonna explode.

"now? you notice _**now**_?! I have had green hair for _three days_ Angel, three days!!" she leapt up, disgusted, uttered one last disdainful 'men!' and departed in high dudgeon.

Angels mind worked over-time, had she really had green hair for three days, he sighed, possibly. hell, did women expect him to see everything, so she changed her hair a little, he wasn't a rocket scientist!! it just wasn't something he found very interesting. Hair, whoooo…….

"WWWWWWWWWWYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWOOOOOOO!!"

The sound came from near the main building.

"ANYA!!" another voice bellowed "GET BACK HERE!"

He glanced out at the darkening sky then down to the lawn, a small dark figure ran at top speed across the lawn followed by a tall figure screaming bloody murder. He watched for a few seconds, they weren't heading this way. He closed the door of the shed gratefully, gave a sigh of relief and sank into the lawn chair he had set out. He heard more kiddies shouting, thought of the other adults trying to sort them out, maybe needing to call in back-up. He heaved himself back up with a heavy sigh.

And locked the door.


	5. Streaker

Yes, I know. I deserve to be shot. but I really have a lot to do lately. crazy family, crazy life and 12 weeks of GCSE work to catch up on :-S plus this chapter was originally, like, ten times longer (well, not quite. but you get the point) but my severe lack of time and writers block have gotten in the way. but I swear there will be, like, 10 more chapters up by New Year and I plan to sort of.. pull it together, give it an actual plot and make it so it actually makes sense.

* * *

"Oops"

"Oops, Fred? Oops! What do you mean 'oops'?!"

Mrs Weasly strode into the room that held her twin sons and the miniature Harry Potter. Correction; the room that _had_ held the miniature Harry Potter, now the only occupants were her sons,

And a jacket in Fred's hand that she could have sworn was on Harry just two minutes earlier.

"Fred, George!! Where's Harry?!"

The redhead twins shuffled awkwardly under their mother's intense gaze

"Well-"

"We only turned away for a minute-"

"And he was gone!"

Their mother seemed to swell as her face took on a tomato-like hue, they shrank back, Fred clutching at the jacket like a cuddle blanket as their mother prepared to let loose.

"GONE!!! What did I tell you about keeping an eye on him at ALL TIMES, are you aware what that MEANS?! It means DO NOT look away, EVER! He could be anywhere, doing ANYTHING! He could be blowing himself up or eating a flobberworm or being tortured by Voldemort ……."

A small, dark haired, flesh coloured flash zipped by the door behind Mrs Weasly followed by a red headed young woman holding kids cloths and chasing it. Fred swallowed a giggle.

"Or stripping?" George asked his mother when she paused to take a breath. Fred snorted and doubled over while George struggled not to collapse with laughter.

She made a funny hissing sound and glared fiercely at the lanky boys, effectively quelling their laughter.

"GEORGE WEASLY HOW DARE YOU TREAT THIS LIKE A JOKE, HARRY IS MISSING AND HE COU….." her voice died out and her jaw hit the floor as Harry ran in to the room bare butt and screaming, Lily running after. Remus, Lindsey, Tara, Cordelia and Xander entered the room with the other kids. Harry circled Mrs Weasly a few times until the adults began to corner him.

Faith sniggered as Lily grabbed the five year old an wrestled him back into his cloths, she shuffled over to Artemis and began whispering rapidly in his ear, he blinked at her through the oversized glasses he wore ( Giles now bumped into an awful lot of things) pulled a small pad of paper from his pocket, a pencil(un-sharpened; Xander was learning) from behind his ear and, flipping to a page headed 'hARY' and scribbled 'stripin:10 points, skreemen;3 points' then he flicked to another page, rubbed out the total next to Harry's name, tongue sticking out in concentration, and wrote in a wobbly '97' instead. Faith scowled as the other kids crowded to look at the book, Harry was now above her in total, she wrinkled her nose, glanced at the adults who were probably talking about them, and made her decision. Unrolling her jumper sleeve she pulled out two boxes and a Zippo. Boys were they in for a surprise…..


End file.
